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Fear of Success

I excelled in school and it wasn't a bad thing, until it was. Being smart was something I liked about myself, I felt capable and adventurous. At some point the incomprehensible feelings I had were too incomprehensible, being smart wasn't enough, at least not in the way I needed. Being smart was no longer a desirable quality and I felt guilty for not figuring out how to live. I didn't trust anyone to guide me and was too ashamed to ask for help elsewhere, outside the circle of those I perceived to have been the ones I should have trusted, family and friends. I couldn't defend being misunderstood because I was afraid to reveal my ignorance and the things I could defend were attributed to something fundamentally wrong with me.

So I believed for a long time, so I've so often fallen back to behaving within those confines without consciously acknowledging it and being isolated, there was no one to take note of the changes. So it went with that cycle binding me time and again.

Then a notable exception... to be continued.

frequency of writing=minimal frustration

I find it worth remarking when it's been a while since I've written, either on the computer or on paper. Paper is the typical choice but right now I am feeling far more inclined towards store swipe-texting my way through a post even though I have a notebook right in front of me.

I miss writing when it facilitates some feeling of relief or catharsis but dread even considering it when my mind is muddled, as so often happens.

I have been increasingly productive with frustration frustratingly keeping pace. It can be considered an improvement that I am more cognizant of how down I am on myself. That knowledge has kept more virulent selfloathing at bay.

That brings to mind that I still have hope, I'm still fighting. I have a life worth living, worth loving.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.


Day 2

got up early and stayed up. Didn't sleep well last night and it took a long time to fall asleep so I'm pleased I'm still conscious today. It'll get better. On the way to a habit in any case.

I want answers.

I've been accused of not wanting to change. That I like being labeled as having a mental illness because it makes me feel special. I wouldn't be trying to change if that were so, I wouldn't give credence to the possibility that I can cope. I am impatient with myself, I often hate myself. I don't really know how to deal with that sometimes, I blank out and there is nothing but feelings. I need myself to maintain sanity, I need myself to be strong and rational. I need help and trust. I need to believe in myself and I'm trying to give myself cause to believe in myself. I keep smoking even though I know better. It's partly habit, partly comfort, partly so I can die. Why do I still look to dying? What's so unpleasant about this world? Maybe I'm asking the wrong question, what is there to live for? I thought love was something to live for but I think I have a mangled version of what love is. I've been told I don't want reality. So what do I want?
All the constructive things I'm trying to do and it all seems to come back to me as you can't polish a turd.


I'm 34. Meds have been an issue for the last 20 years. Therapy, 23. The idea of rejection and worthlessness, 31. Neglect and abuse, 29. Coming to terms with any of this, a fraction of any of these numbers.

Nice, Anime

You Scored as Bebop (Cowboy Bebop)

Hope you don't mind being anime. Your style just fits perfect with the crew of the Bebop. Life is tough and your crew knows it, but you will find a way to survive. You always do. Now if only Faye would quit gambling all your money away.

Serenity (Firefly)


Bebop (Cowboy Bebop)


Babylon 5 (Babylon 5)


Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix)


Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)


Moya (Farscape)


Millennium Falcon (Star Wars)


Deep Space Nine (Star Trek)


Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica)


Enterprise D (Star Trek)


SG-1 (Stargate)


FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files)


Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda)


Go figure.

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 66%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 50%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com


These worlds, foreign, exotic, kitchen appliances and children's activities and a life I've never known.  Comfort?  I must have known.  If I hadn't why would I cry?


I'm feeling the transitional aspects more strongly now.  I fear it.  Like the radar is busted and can only return affirmative.

If I'm stunted, this would be how it manifests I'd guess.  Not grasping the transitory nature of things.  'Sitting here watching the wheels go round and round'  I know that I do it I just don't get why.

Reviewing a life is difficult.  For me at least.  It's far more emotional than it should be. 

But without some vested interest what would be the point?  Without some understanding what would be the significance?